before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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