After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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