my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
