So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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