also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
