I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
even my farts smell like vagina
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize