i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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