it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
