Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think my fart just growled at me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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