Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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