I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
