You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
