stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
