don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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