i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
