someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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