imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We need a shit load of segways right now
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
