You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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