i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
