ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
