i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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