Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
