Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
