you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
