Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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