Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
