For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
