she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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