billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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