Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
