my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
