he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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