He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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