We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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