also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
