drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
