you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Green mimosas i think yes
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
