I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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