here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
