Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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