hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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