I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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