weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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