I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
