Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I can't turn off my feet"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize