Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
