i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
