is your mom at the bar?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
