another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
