you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize