did you get engaged???
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
