well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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