There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
