Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
