i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
