How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
