I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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