Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
