I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
