Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
