guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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